fear

a list of things I was afraid to say;;;;

To most people:
-hey
-hi
-hey, what's up?
-how's it going?

How can I stand up and dance crazy in front of people in my class when I'm alone. Because to be honest you scare me. She scares me. Those three girls scare me. That girl does too. And so does he and her and him and they and she and he and you. Maybe it's not you that I'm afraid of but its what you think, that's scary. But I don't really know if that's it because I really don't care what you think. And if I want to wear crazy socks some day I would. And I will and I do. So I don't know what I fear about any of you. Maybe it's that if I hula hoop in front of you guys my shirt would bunch up in a weird way, because honestly I'm a great hula hooper. I can't juggle but that's not why I feared the tennis balls. I'm a great at dancing and pretending to be a rockstar. To bad I couldn't show you my moves. The thing is you don't realize you're afraid of anything until you experience it. I had a huge list of things I was afraid to say and I was about to post it but then I got scared. So I deleted it and started over.

Well I'm afraid of spiders. It's even hard for to type that word let alone see one. Yeah and when I do?no it's over. I am. I know lots of people are. But you don't understand I'm 'afraid' of them. Like I 100% will scream and cry and do whatever I have to do in order to get someone to kill it. And frankly it bothers me when people are all "save it! No don't kill it! Here I'll take it outside!" I'm like... No kill the dang spider. In fact I remember when I was little, my parents don't know this but, I remember seeing them type and research 'how to help child get rid of fear of spiders' and 'arachnophobia' in the computer. I'm afraid of the dark. I'm afraid of heights. I'm afraid of doing crazy and adventurous things because what if I can't keep up with all the other crazy adventurous people. I'm afraid of conversations when I don't have anything left to say. I'm afraid of people recognizing that I wore these pants yesterday and did she not brush her hair? I'm afraid of people gossiping and of it being about me. I'm afraid of left turns into busy streets with no mid lane. During the winter I'm scared that spring will never come. And I fear every year that my coat from 9th grade won't fit me anymore. I'm afraid to follow people first on Instagram and I am too scared to post unless it's the right time of day and the right picture with the right caption. You would be surprised by how many blog drafts I have but never posted because I was scared. And by how many times I have rewritten them. I'm afraid of disappointing my parents and grandparents. I'm afraid of drinking caffeine without my mothers permission and I don't go up the canyon alone. I'm scared of the bishoprics office. I don't know why. I have never done drugs, I have never broken the law of chastity, I'm always modest, I don't drink coffee or beer, I don't even swear or lie or gossip. Yet, every time I go to the bishoprics office I feel like I am the lost soul in the ward that needs saving from all their sinning. I'm afraid of graduation day. I'm afraid I'll trip or I'll look funny in the big tarp and hat they make us wear. I'm afraid that it will be real. I'm afraid I'm going to get up in the morning and forget my name. I'm afraid I'm going no to get up in the morning and be paralyzed. I'm afraid of climbing trees and talking to boys. I'm afraid of listening to a song with my mom or sisters and having it swear. I'm afraid that I will never have money and never have a car and I'm afraid of having to pay off a billion student loans and never have the feeling of being free from money and the problems it brings.

When it comes down to it... I'm afraid of a lot more than I thought I was. I'm afraid and your afraid. We are all afraid of something. But have you ever that saying 'fear is motivation'? Well I have. And it makes me realize... It's the fear and the lack of fear the makes the world go around. So it's okay to be afraid.