Blues are ok

Today I had an apifany. I don't know how to spell that but it still means the same thing. I realized that yeah I am a happy person and people know that. But right now.. I think I could be slightly depressed. I say slightly because it's hard to admit. Especially when I know people will see this post. And even though it is anonymous just the fact that someone knows that I might be really sad but no one can tell.  I just realized that I'm not motivated. I don't want to do anything and I can't seem to get out of a hole in the ground that just keeps getting bigger and deeper and I'm not sure if I will ever see the latter or stairs right behind me. Because I know they are there and that there is a way out. For right now I think I'm going to stay here for a little. Because I'm tired and when I'm sad sleep is a good thing. Because feelings are a good thing to feel and recognize. Being sad is ok. I realized this when for some reason I felt like there was a huge ocean wave storm being my eyes and if I make any sudden movement it is going to break through the walls made of eyes and tear ducts. And I still feel that way now. It's good to feel sad and feel like you need to cry. It's good to feel happy and joyful. It's good to feel things. Because feelings are reminders that our heart is working. I know that a heart is a little bit different meaning than what I'm saying. But I literally believe that you can physically feel things in your heart. I have felt sadness, happiness, comfort, love and many more feelings in my literal heart. So the next time you feel something, try and feel it deeply and in your heart. Just do it. Because no matter the emotion it always feels better when felt through the heart.

buggin & apologeez

I decided I don't care. Well I have been stressed about this class 100% all the time and I still am. I don't know how to make things poetic or meaningful. I don't know the exact spellings and grammar. I don't know how to make my blog look cool and have everyone look forward to my posts. Everyone says just write your feelings and somehow it will make sense. Well all I write probably won't make sense to anyone. It bugs me that I have to sit at my phone for hours before I can even think of anything to right. It bugs me that even though people are just trying to be nice and comment on my blogs... That they still do not know what I'm saying. I'm writing down crap about feelings and stuff but I feel like I'm making those up just to make somebody feel something. Yeah I'm jealous of t siblings and their accomplishments in life but It really doesn't matter to me that much. Then people are saying "just keep on pushing on!" "Your doing great" yeah I have trials and have hard things going on in my life as much as you. But I don't care to let others know that I'm going through them. Well everyone wants to feel love and feel that they are cared for. And of course I want that too. I just want to start over because I feel like a lot of stuff I have written about was fake. I mean it was real but it was exaggerated to be fake. And the one thing I wrote in my journal of what I wanted my blog to be was I want it to be real. So this is me apologizing and starting fresh and telling you I am going to be real and when I'm mad I will write a mad post and when I'm sad I will write a sad post and when I'm happy I will write a happy post. Even when I am in love. I'm going to try and make the most of this class. Because right now I'm not going to lie, I really don't like it and have even thought about transferring out of it. But it was to late.. But I'm sure there is more to what I see... So I promise to try and not just be mad and stressed all the time about this class. Because creativity is creativity and you can't be creative if your not willing to be creative. And this is creative writing after all.

house of brick

There was a house. A house of brick. Now this brick house was not your ordinary brick house. The bricks were red and orange and they all seemed to point to the front door. The doors did not open or close. It seems to be locked from both the inside and outside. In fact. All the windows were boarded up with string and glue and they could be opened but nothing seemed to be able get in or out. Now I know what your thinking. But if you can't get in or out.... then what's the point of the house? And has anyone ever been inside of it? Well the answer to your questions are this. No. No one has seen inside of this house. But if they did then they would see something's very strange but somehow pleasing to the eye. They would see that this square house had 7 rooms and every room had something unique. Most of them had 5 walls supporting and some only 2. Only one had a closet and one had a shoe,.... Painting. 3 out of 7 had a sink or a drawer and 4 of them were all only in black and white. But each one had something quite similar. And these similarities made all the difference. They all had a painting of a brick. One blue one purple and one with orange paint splattered. Some were 3d and some said meaningful words. One designed as a clock with a timer to strike when it hit third hour. But the room called future had the most interesting and disturbing sight of all. It was a brick. Whether it was screwed or nailed in or even glued or taped does not matter. Because it was a brick and it hung on the wall with some meaning that rings true to the rats which roamed the brick house and couldn't see what's on the top of the brick. As you and the rats are all wondering what was balancing ever so gently on that brick. And wishing and hoping that I will tell you. You will realize that not even I know. For we are all in the dark. In the dark in this house with no way in or out. But I will give you some comfort in knowing that the architect knows. For he created that brick house with no openings and closings. And he was the one who placed the secret on the brick. It doesn't matter whether he created the house with a blu print or 2. Or maybe with a hammer and a nail. All that matters is that he built the brick house and he built it with a purpose. And even though he knows that probably no one will be able to get in and see the brick and the mystery on top, he's proud of the brick house. And the brick inside. There was a house. A house of brick. And inside that house was no ordinary house. There was a brick. And not even the brick knew what he was holding up.

check yes or no. (Love...)

Someone once gave me their love notes. Well they didn't know we're giving them to me. But they threw a paper airplane in clas hoping it would land on someone hot. Because they said meet me at the knight @ 12:20. All I'm saying is i hope they weren't waiting there all of lung because there is no way I'm going anywhere near the knight. I promise there was a point for this... The mystery person who by the way could still be waiting for someone at the knight said the definition of love is a four letter word and it's something that means more to those who hear it than those who say it.

I don't know the right definition or if there is only one definition or many of love. I don't know if I have ever been in love. The only taste of love I have gotten is movies, Oreos, and family. I don't know maybe I have but I just don't want to admit it? I do love lots of people but the real love?... the thing I have closest to it is probably loyalty.

I have had a lot of crushes, I have had all the kisses under the playground. And secretly passing notes saying "do you love me?   Circle your answer.  Yes or no" yes love is love and love is all the same. Yeah it's different but it's the same. Because when I look at him it's the same feeling as when I got the note back and yes was circled. I wish it was easy now as back then. When I liked someone I just had to wait until they kicked my shins for confirmation. I guess it's goods that it's not the same as it used to be.... Because that would be weird if we all went around kicking shins and passing notes. And then once we decided to be in love we would only look at each other from across the commons and say to our friends "go tell him this". Back then love was innocence. So what is love now

Love is important. Love is kind. Love is relationships and struggles. Love is genuine. Love is fake, fate, and faith. Love is serendipitous. Love is that fortunate accident. Love is understanding something for the first time. Love is once upon a time, and happy endings. Love is tragic.
Love is every movie scene. Love is princes and princesses. Love is sacrifice. Love is sharing. Love is saving the bagel, knowing they won't know you did. Love is serving and giving. Love is receiving. Love is gratitude. Love is compliments. Love is all the good and the bad. Love is the flaws. Love is forgiveness.

ode to hats

I apologize for being late on my blog posts all the time. every time i even think about writing a blog post or in my journal my stomach wants to vomit. and the rest of my body agrees.

"I just met this girl! She wears a hat full of... air!" 
"Do you mean she puts on 'airs'?"
"I guess so." 
"Thats just fancy talk. If you want to be fancy,
 hold your pinky up like this! 
The higher you hold it, the fancier you are!"


im a sun hat.
i sit on your sandy hair,
and smell the salty air. 

im a ball cap. 
i watch baseball all day,
and dont listen to what the refs have to say.

im a visor.
i block the sun from your eyes,
but your heads still hot.

im a hat. 
no matter what kind of hat i am. im always covering up something. whether its the sun from your eyes or the greasy hair that you just cant wash yet. 
but hats are good.
they are the best of friends. 
so tip your hats and thank your hats.
cheers
to the hats.

my intro

"it was a many and many a year ago,
in a kingdom by the sea,
that a maiden there lived whom you may know
by the name of ANNABEL LEE;
and this maiden she lived by know other thought
then to love and be loved by me."

my sister was really good at this,
shes good at everything.
shes good at words.
shes good at speaking and writing.
shes good at putting words together,
making those words sound meaningful.

my brothers good at relationships,
hes good at creating them.
hes good at looking at himself in the mirror.
hes good at loving himself.
hes good at making girls fall in love with him,
on the first date.

my sister is good at serving,
shes good at giving you everything.
shes good at making you look pretty.
shes good at making you feel pretty.
shes good at never saying no,
always saying yes.

my brother loves meaning,
hes good at finding it in everything.
hes good at preaching and teaching.
hes good at knowing stuff.
hes good at picking something up,
and learning.

me, im ok at things.
im ok at talking to people.
im ok at thinking threw things.
im ok at finding meaning.
im ok at serving and loving.
im good at genuine.